Field Ledger Archive

12,928 entries across the years, 2003–2026.

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91 results for USA
July 2026
reddit.comE-ink Phone for too much reading or AI ChatsA Reddit user experiencing eye strain and headaches from 5-10 hours daily of screen time (research, reading, AI chats) is considering an e-ink phone to reduce symptoms while maintaining their usage patterns. They're debating between color and black e-ink displays and asking about keyboard responsive✦ Read ad free and get the full MichaelFilter · $5.50
💬 Comment
npr.orgJustice Department subpoenas New York Times reporters over Air Force One reportingThe Justice Department subpoenaed four New York Times reporters over their anonymously sourced reporting on Air Force One security concerns, demanding they testify before a grand jury. Federal agents delivered subpoenas to journalists' homes after the FBI had previously asked the Times to withhold t✦ Read ad free and get the full MichaelFilter · $5.50
💬 Comment
Ironically, “poor people were
eating the stuff that now people
are paying a lot of money to have,”
Miller said, referencing
the current movement
against heavily processed foods.
They would also be eating more
pork, ham, bacon and sausage,
liver pudding and offal.

Tesla Will Make More from AI Than Robotaxi
July 5, 2026 at 3:12 PM by Brian Wang
NextBigFuture.com
AI data centers and compute represent a much bigger and faster-growing opportunity for Tesla than robotaxis. AI can generate $50–100 billion in annual revenue per gigawatt of power — dramatically outpacing typical robotaxi economics.
💬 Comment
Ironically, “poor people were
eating the stuff that now people
are paying a lot of money to have,”
Miller said, referencing
the current movement
against heavily processed foods.
They would also be eating more
pork, ham, bacon and sausage,
liver pudding and offal.

Tesla Will Make More from AI Than Robotaxi
July 5, 2026 at 3:12 PM by Brian Wang
NextBigFuture.com
AI data centers and compute represent a much bigger and faster-growing opportunity for Tesla than robotaxis. AI can generate $50–100 billion in annual revenue per gigawatt of power — dramatically outpacing typical robotaxi economics.
💬 Comment
June 2026
April 2026
✎ Essay · Culture

Coding Elite and Cybertariat

Algorithmic sorting doesn't just reflect class—it actively produces new forms of social stratification Jenna Burrell and Marion Fourcade describe an emerging split between what they call the "coding elite" — those who build and control algorithmic systems — and the "cybertariat" — those who are subject to them. This isn't just a digital divide in the old sense of who has internet access. It's a divide in who gets to be a subject versus an object in algorithmic systems. The coding elite set the parameters. Everyone else is a data point. --- Read the full article: https://theyoga.club/coding-elite-and-cybertariat/ Original source: https://michaeljoelhall.com/the-digital-caste-surveillance-capitalism-and-the-architecture-of-permanent-inequality/ All content: https://mjh.yoga Concepts: Māyā · Puruṣārtha · Karma · Svabhāva #ashtanga #yoga #ashtangayoga #yogapractice #theyogaclub

Read the essay →
March 2026
February 2026
October 2025
✎ Essay · Culture

Kathy Griffin: Evolution Through Trials and Triumphs

Dive into the intertwined memoirs of Jennifer Lewis and Kathy Griffin for a captivating exploration of a comedian's evolution. Uncover how Griffin's journey, from a near-fatal low to her empowering embrace of a sober community, reveals the complexities of life behind the laughs. This blog delves into the raw, unfiltered narrative of Griffin's career, challenging the norms of feminism in comedy, and highlighting the satisfying connections found between celebrity stories. Join us in unraveling the tapestry of trials, transformations, and resilience that defines the ever-evolving world of a comedian.

Read the essay →
March 2025
Video: The Courage to Be Vulnerable

Embracing Fear: The True Meaning of Courage

Courage isn't about being fearless. It's about standing firm when fear tries to push you down. It's about surviving when the world seems determined to break you. There are forces out there that are trying to hold you down. You can push back. Oppression thrives on silence. It feeds on exhaustion. But even in the darkest moments, even when everything feels stacked against you, resilience is an act of defiance. Like the strongest oak, you don't grow because you're protected from the storm—you survive despite it. You stand, you endure, and in doing so, you claim your power. Most people look for an easy way out. But for those who have no choice but to fight, survival is bravery. And every day you keep going, you prove that fear doesn't get the last word. So hold your ground. Your existence, your persistence, your refusal to disappear—it all matters. And that is courage.

00:00 Introduction to Courage
00:02 Facing Fear Head-On
00:07 Surviving Against the Odds
00:17 Pushing Back Against Oppression
00:22 The Power of Resilience
00:33 Standing Strong
00:38 The True Meaning of Bravery
00:47 Persistence and Existence
00:51 Conclusion: Defining Courage

https://michaeljoelhall.com/video-the-courage-to-be-vulnerable/?utm_source=SocialAutoPoster&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign
💬 Comment
✎ Essay · Philosophy

The Courage to Be Vulnerable

Embracing Fear: The True Meaning of Courage Courage isn't about being fearless. It's about standing firm when fear tries to push you down. It's about surviving when the world seems determined to break you. There are forces out there that are trying to hold you down. You can push back. Oppression thrives on silence. It feeds on exhaustion. But even in the darkest moments, even when everything feels stacked against you, resilience is an act of defiance. Like the strongest oak, you don't grow because you're protected from the storm—you survive despite it. You stand, you endure, and in doing so, you claim your power. Most people look for an easy way out. But for those who have no choice but to fight, survival is bravery. And every day you keep going, you prove that fear doesn't get the last word. So hold your ground. Your existence, your persistence, your refusal to disappear—it all matters. And that is courage. 00:00 Introduction to Courage 00:02 Facing Fear Head-On 00:07 Surviving Against the Odds 00:17 Pushing Back Against Oppression 00:22 The Power of Resilience 00:33 Standing Strong 00:38 The True Meaning of Bravery 00:47 Persistence and Existence 00:51 Conclusion: Defining Courage

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February 2025
November 2024
October 2024
At the start of 2022, I almost quit teaching full time. I was devastated. I had made the 30k from my online TTC last 1.5 year, and I went through a large chunk of my savings. As an employee for only one organization, I was cheated by the PPP fiasco. I had other studios use me to scam more mokey out of the government- they got tens of thousands. I got $30, weekly.

The financial challenges that many yoga teachers face have been an enduring issue within the industry. For years, teachers have struggled to earn livable wages, often working long hours with little job security, no benefits, and limited opportunities for growth. The COVID-19 pandemic, which devastated the yoga industry and shuttered studios worldwide, exposed just how precarious this financial situation was. Many teachers were left without income, unprepared to weather such a crisis. It has become increasingly clear that financial equity for yoga teachers is not just a matter of fair wages—it’s about creating sustainable business models that can withstand future disruptions.

In my work, I have become passionate about addressing this issue, with the hope of helping yoga teachers learn how to create financial stability for themselves. As I’ve expressed before, “I want to help yoga teachers to learn how to create a business model that’s sustainable and learn how to save money so they can survive the next pandemic.” This is not just about surviving the current crisis but preparing teachers to thrive in a world where uncertainty is the norm.

After having traveled the world and received education from some of the most respected yoga teachers is in the world, having received almost the highest accreditation I can inside of my lineage— if I can’t make it, who can?

I want us to bring honor to our teachers and be if service to our communities— and it’s very hard to do that when you’re starving.
💬 Comment
September 2024
August 2024
October 2023
September 2023
August 2023
in imagemake peace
with all the women
you once were.
lay flowers
at their feet.
offer them incense
and honey
and forgiveness.
honor them
and give them
your silence.
listen.
bless them
and let them be.
for they are the bones
of the temple
you sit in now.
for they are
the rivers
of wisdom
leading you toward
the sea.
// i have been a thousand different women
@emoryhall
💬 Comment
May 2023
February 2023
September 2022
in imageAs you progress with your sadhana you may find it
necessary to change your occupation. Or you may
find that it is only necessary to change the way in
which you perform your current occupation in order
to bring it into line with your new understanding of
how it all is. The more conscious that a being
becomes, the more they can use any occupation as
a vehicle for spreading light.
The next true being of Buddha-nature that you meet
may appear as a bus driver, a doctor, a weaver, an
insurance salesperson, a musician, a chef, a teacher,
or any of the thousands of roles that are required in
a complex society-the many parts of Christ's body.
You will know him because the simple dance that
may transpire between you-such as handing him
change as you board the bus-will strengthen in you
the faith in the divinity of humans. If's as simple as
that
- Ram Dass
@babaramdass
💬 Comment
July 2022
June 2020
in imageBalance Gym and CrossFit Balance are deeplydisappointed
by the recent comments made by Greg Glassman, the founder
of CrossFit. We are also extremely frustrated by the lack of
leadership from CrossFit HQ and their tone-deaf and
inadequate responses in addressing the recent crises in the
USA.
It has become evident that our values don't match those of
CrossFit HQ and we are actively taking steps to move forward
without their involvement. This is a work in progress, and we
appreciate your patience as we look at our options over the
coming days.
Please don't hesitate to reach out to our directors with any
comments, concerns, or input on how you want our community
to proceed. Black Lives Matter.
BALANCE GYM MANAGEMENT
@balancegym
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May 2020
💬 Comment
June 2019
April 2019
The practice and philosophy of yoga has entered into fitness realms and mental health paradigms-- but truly, it is an ancient wisdom tradition for healing from the inside. ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
This posture is called Kasyapasana, so named for the sage Kashyapa. ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
One of the seven ancient rishi's from the Rig Veda (many of whom have postures named for them in third series), his name also means " turtle." He is sometimes said to be the son of Marichi. Kashmir, a region in India, may be a translation from Kashya's Lake. ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
⁣⁣Looking at yogas historical texts helps illuminate it's most potent purpose— something that transcends both the mental and the physical, bringing in the spirit. This selection from Atharvaveda, Book XIX, Hymns L51-53 could be useful before heading into a challenging yoga asana series:
⁣⁣
Undisturbed am I, undisturbed is my soul,⁣⁣
undisturbed mine eye, undisturbed mine ear, ⁣⁣
undisturbed is mine in-breathing, undisturbed mine out-breathing,⁣⁣
undisturbed my diffusive breath, undisturbed the whole of me.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
Thereafter rose Desire in the beginning, Desire the primal seed and germ of Spirit,⁣⁣
O Kama dwelling with the lofty Kama, give growth of riches to the sacrificer, (...)⁣⁣
Prolific, thousand eyed, and undecaying, a horse with seven reins Time bears us onward,⁣⁣
Sages inspired with holy knowledge mount him, his chariot wheels are all the worlds of creatures.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
Kala [Time] created yonder heaven, and Kala made these realms of earth,⁣⁣
By Kala, stirred to motion, both what is and what shall be, expand,
Kala created living things and first of all Prajapati,⁣⁣
From Kala self-made Kasyapa, from Kala Holy Fire was born
💬 Comment
March 2019
“Look around and see if you can find a single genuinely happy person—fearless, free from inse­curities, anxieties, tensions, worries. You would be lucky if you found one in a hundred thousand. This should lead you to be suspicious of the programming and the beliefs that you and they hold in common. But you have also been programmed not to sus­pect, not to doubt, just to trust the assumptions that have been put into you by your tradition, your cul­ture, your society, your religion. And if you are not happy, you have been trained to blame yourself, not your programming, not your cultural and inherited ideas and beliefs. What makes it even worse is the fact that most people are so brainwashed that they do not even realize how unhappy they are—like the man in a dream who has no idea he is dreaming. ⁣

What are the false beliefs that block you from happiness?“ ⁣

— The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello (a Jesuit priest)⁣

—⁣
My teaching schedule is updated on the site (link in bio) and I’m teaching a backbends workshop this Saturday at @eatonworkshop In conjunction with @dcashtanga 12/23, 12-3:30 in two parts— anatomy first and practice second. ⁣

Come for either or both. Message me to sign up.
💬 Comment
February 2019
⁣”You have to match their impedence,” @berylbenderbirch so elegantly mused. My ears perked up. As an athlete, I felt seen and heard when ms Birch spoke of facilitating a person like me’s practice of yoga—that being an active, sometimes social individual’s —on The Yoga Talks Podcast with @jbrownyoga . So often the physical aspect of practice gets derided as “low” or something— and in fact it’s through my bodily connection (or lack there of) that I’m able to access interior mind states. That my impedance. ⁣

She knows a little something about matching impendence— she’s helped thousands upon thousands of runners pick up a long lasting and sustainable yoga practice by offering yoga classes to the New York Road Runners. ⁣

For a lot of folks, this brings to mind helping overtaxed runners stretch out some achy calves— and it very much is. But, and this is where it gets so deliciously subversive — teaching a class called “Yoga for Runners” doesn’t mean simply teaching calf stretches to marathoners— it means helping them learn how to use a really enjoyable and therapeutic sequence of body positioning to develop deeper states of attention. ⁣

It’s from those deeper states of attention that the really juicey stuff starts to happen— like when meditation states start to spontaneously blossom out of those deep concentration states. And god, are runners able to concentrate on their poor aches legs. ⁣


I’m one of the ones that was reached by finding *that* yoga teacher and *that* yoga class at my gym. ⁣

Come see me at @balancegym on Friday’s at 12. I’m back March 1.
💬 Comment
January 2019
Fresh off the plane, I strapped in for a bit of yoga. ⁣

These days, the yoga industrial complex is ripe with controversy and scandal— ranging from inappropriate student teacher interactions, to prop usage, to glorified Ponzi schemes. Of course, there’s a great deal of “this is Yoga” and “that’s not yoga” running around, too.
None of this, i am reminded, is yoga. ⁣

Yoga doesn't fear controversy nor does it fear innovation, because yoga is a state of being, not a static commodity to be bought or sold. ⁣

The esoterica of Tirumalai Krishnamacharya’s learnedness is sexy— especially for the appropriative sort— after all, he learned yoga from his guru in a cave, purportedly mastering thousands of asana under his teachers watchful eye. The intensity of the idea of that experience sometimes takes away from the fact that he also held degrees in all six vedic darshans (think: Indian philosophies). ⁣


He wrote books and taught teachers— including the teachers of my teachers— BKS Iyengar, Pattabhi Jois, and AG Mohan. I dare say he was an innovator. He also was firmly rooted in capital Y Yoga. ⁣


This is the lineage from which i come.
Not 5 hours into my stay in Goa, I made a point of finding my Iyengar teacher, Ian. Not unlike Rolf, he keeps no great internet presence— but I knew where to look. ⁣

Rolf and Ian shared a teaching space behind a cafe called Artjuna the first time I came to Goa. Ian still teaches here, but not today. ⁣

No, today one of his colleagues is holding a weekend workshop. The esteemed HS Arun, not unlike his teacher Iyengar, is an innovator in the use of props— particularly the chair. ⁣

I could not feel more lucky. It is not the journey to India that makes the yoga here so rich— it is the relationships. Ian and Rolf are dear friends, and Arun and Ian are too. I snuck into the back, grateful to be at the feet of my teachers- and glad to be inspired in the multitude of ways in which we can use this human experience to help people find the essence of Yoga. ⁣
💬 Comment
November 2018
Wanna work on leveling up your assisting game in the yoga room?
Im gonna spend three weeks (nov 13, 20, 27) at @yogadragons sharing a ton of my practical experience on putting together a usable schema for approaching practitioners-- and provide space for everyone to get practical hands on experience.
I'm keeping the numbers tight so that everyone has an opportunity to interface a ton. You can expect lively discussion and small group hands-on work.
Link in bio!
💬 Comment
Wanna work on leveling up your assisting game in the yoga room?

We'll spend three weeks (nov 13, 20, 27) putting together a usable schema for approaching practitioners-- and practical hands on experience.

I'm keeping the numbers tight so that everyone has an opportunity to interface a ton. You can expect lively discussion and small group hands-on work

https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/classic/ws?studioid=3954&stype=-8&sView=day&sLoc=0&sTrn=100000156
💬 Comment
September 2018
March 2018
January 2018
I've been abroad for the most recent conversations regarding the changing landscape of yoga in DC. We're seeing an unbelievable rise in yoga chains in DC-- Yoga District, Yoga Works, Down Dog, The Georgetown Yoga/Shaw/Dupont Conglomo, Yoga Heights, and Corepower. What does it mean for those who are highly trained and highly skilled to have chains expanding? What does it mean for those who want access to a contemplative practices and philosophy sets that goes back a few thousand years? What does it mean for those who don't know any of that and teach fitness with curated playlists under a homophone? Meg is interested in ensuring that modern postural yoga doesn't go the way of Lombrusco.
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February 2017
October 2016
September 2016
August 2016
Good Job, Kim Rhodes!

Now...

"As the fact check site Snopes points out, her sixth medal was covered by many major U.S. news outlets, including USA Today, the New York Times, CBS Sports, SB Nation, NBC, WGN and the Chicago Tribune. Other outlets like Time, Forbes, Huffington Post and NPR covered Rhode’s bronze medal and mentioned her pro-Second Amendment values.

Both Bloomberg and the Wall Street Journal wrote about the stigma attached to shooting sports but as Five Thirty Eight noted, Americans aren’t really excited about the event, and that more than anything is what is responsible for limited sponsorships.

Shooting sports are ranked among the least popular games at the 2016 Rio Olympics. It wasn’t even listed in an Adweek survey announcing the “11 Olympic Sports That Viewers Are Most Excited About Watching,” because it didn’t make it into the top 11 sports. If fans of the sport were more supportive of their event and encouraged a higher viewership, perhaps Rhode could score some sponsorships and the sport could get more attention."

Anywho, spend some time in the comments, but try not to respond. Avoid trolls, but don't create an echo-chamber for yourself.
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April 2015
March 2015
September 2014
September 2013
February 2012
💬 Comment
November 2011
December 2010

This weekend I listened to a wonderful lecture by a teacher from Charlottesville, Kate Hallahan. I wanted to share the link with you all. You can check out the podcast here.

“This week’s feature is a lecture on the History and Philosophy of Yoga with Charlottesville Yoga Teacher,Kate Hallahan. Kate is the Founder of the Guerrilla Yoga Project which offers Donation-Only Yoga Classes to all sectors of the community and Co-Director of theCharlottesville Yoga School. Kate has studied extensively with Kofia Busia, one of the world’s foremost Iyengar teachers, as well as other senior teachers in both the Iyengar and Anusara Traditions. Kate is devoted to her daily yoga practice and has a background deeply rooted in the philosophy of yoga.”

A teacher who specializes in Guerilla yoga, the antiquity of the practice, and who has an Iyengar background? My kind of lady. I hope you enjoy.

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August 2010
April 2010

During the super sweaty and grunty high intensity portion of today’s CrossFit workout, we worked in two heats. I found myself in the second heat, and subsuqently was able to observe other people doing what I was about to go do– and the free few moments to wonder why I was about to put such a great set of physical demands on my body.

But then soon it was my turn, and soon I was done. And before even that? The thought had passed. As I read this evening, I came across some words that answered the question I had forgotten:

“We are still animals — our physical existence is, in the final analysis, the only one that actually matters. A weak man is not as happy as that same man would be if he were strong. This reality is offensive to some people who would like the intellectual or spiritual to take precedence. It is instructive to see what happens to these very people as their squat strength goes up.”

-Mark Rippetoe

I think he’s right. I am happy.

💬 Comment

Have you ever sucked in your gut to create that creepy too-big-rib-cage effect? Then odds are good you’ve used a muscle called the Transverse Abdominus. The TA is an important link in the deep kinetic chain of the body that allows for power from the low body to relate and transfer into power for the upper body (and vice versa) via increased stabilization in the pelvic girdle (and how it relates to the shoulder girdle).

As many of you know, I spend a ton of time throwing heavy stuff over my head– like, um, my body. If I want to improve, how do I go about it? Accessing the TA. It’ll seem obvious when I say this, but bear with; the more consolidated the core, the more control we have in all sorts of actions (olympic lifting, handbalancing, keg-standing).

Think about your core:

What do we have hiding underneath the skin?

First, the obvious:

  • The big-sexy-six pack: aka the up-and-down rectus abdominus.
  • The Side-abs: the external obliques.

These guys are all associate with torso flexion. They allow the body to “crunch.” Thats all well and good, but it doesn’t neccesarily speak to stablizing during the “crunch” or, heck, any other activity that might require you to not wobble (I think I can think of a few).

Much like my friendship networks of yore, the stable buddies can sometimes go less noticed in leiu of the louder (erm, less “stable”) friends.

Who handles the stabilization, then? The less obvious nonsuperficial muscle:

  • The internal obliques: You can think of them as Patrick Swayze’s hands on Baby’s torso during the lift scenes. They function like that, cradling and lifting. The fibers of this muscle run perpendicular to their external brethren.
  • The multifidus: Weaves along each disk of the back, and works to stabilize the joints at each segmental level. The stiffness and stability makes each vertebra work more effectively, and reduces the degeneration of the joint structures.
  • The transverse abdominus: beneath those, we find a corset like muscle going around the bottommost portion of the spine (lumbar) and connecting all the way up to the low ribs.

When you draw the navel in towards the belly, you’re engaging your real core, your inner corset. The transverse abdominus contracts inwardly, bringing everything internal closer together. This is required for consolidated movement and efficient energy usage.

The multifidus is very small, but it has a unique design that lends stability to the spine , as well as working to keep you upright. When the multifidus is put on a stretch, as when you bend forward, it actually gets stronger. This is unlike most muscles which, when lengthened, lose their strength. The multifidus also brings space to the disks of the back, and brings the pelvis into a more powerful alignment for bigger (safer) actions.

The internal obliques are our same-side rotators. . It acts with the external oblique muscle of the opposite side to achieve this torsional movement of the trunk. For example, the right internal oblique and the left external oblique contract as the torso flexes and rotates to bring the left shoulder towards the right hip.

So how do we strengthen these good muscles and program ourselves to engage them regularly?

This method is super easy, but also not the most exciting thing in the world. Truth be told, at any given point, you can contract your transverse abdominus, internal obliques, and work your multifidus.

Egg Timer Method:

Draw in your innermost layer of abdominals without collapsing the chest. Draw up and in with the navel until the ribs splay, and then draw back in. Avoid slumping the shoulders. Imagine a zipper from the low back that goes to the navel, and zip it up, too. This will work the multifidus. Hold this contraction for 30 seconds. Repeat after a brief rest. Do this 5 times. Include one legged standing tilts (such as Warrior III in yoga). Repeat a few times a day. Next week make it 45 seconds. Third week? A minute.

String Method:

While drawing in the TA, tie a string around your midsection along the natural waist. For the rest of the day, every time you notice the belly flesh digging into the string, draw the belly back in. Do this consistently. Full disclosure: I haven’t done this yet.

The Benefits:

  • a (dramatically) smaller waist line
  • confidence in strength
  • good balance
  • safety in “big lifts” and “big jumps”
  • decrease in low back pain
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March 2010
April 2009
February 2009
April 2005
Technology came to my door this week in the form of an itty-bitty bluetooth dongle. Its adorable, the little dongle, and I can't help but gush and make googly eyes at it-- it's smaller than Fetus Spears. The hope was to get my phone a chat-chat-chattin' with my lappy top, eventually setting up a photoblog not totally dissimilar from Mr. Mark's. With hope comes uncertainty by default. I suppose it's enough that I finally have a phone again, but really, the fact that I can't figure out how to get my phone talking to my laptop kinda pisses me off.

At least I have a phone again. It'd been since the end of February for crying out loud! Having a cell phone again means that its possible for boys to call and ask me out on dates, and clearly I like that. Cause they are calling. And last weekend I had a date. The talapia was good, and so was I. Behavior wise, that is(and only mostly good, anyway).

Dating, huh? Its about time.
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May 2004
Grammar God!
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



So, now that that's out of the way, lets talk for a moment about exams... they're over. 'Nuff said.

What, did you say something about apartments! I need one. I think I found one. 14th and P. Above the Mid City Market. 15 foot ceilings. The windows are taller than I am.

Oh, and I got mentioned in the GOP USA newsletter and the Huntington News. Go read and then look here. The pink shirt was actually one for Planned Parenthood, and the sign I attached to the boy's staff said "77% of those legislating your reproductive rights are men. 100% of them can't get pregnant. Then I put a sign in the mom and the dad's hand. I only held the boy scout's hand for like a minute. Lovely yellow journalism.

Booyakasha.
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April 2004
Today has been a day of reflection unlike any I've had in recent memory. We celebrated Easter with the typical trappings of baskets and fake green grass that has been the tradition for every year I've been alive.

A lot of time has passed since 1996. Krista, Aric, Aunt Karin, Uncle Mark, Mom, Dad and I were reminded of it as we watched old movies of bygone holidays. We've grown up so much, we're so different, we're a million other cliches, but we're also very human; and thus, we're susceptible to a million more.

I taped over a part of Easter '97, which took place in Ohio, at some point. I'm an asshole. How was one episode of a stupid soap opera more important than my family's history? I guess I wanted to replace those years so badly that I not only removed the entries from my mind, I was cavalier about erasing them on tape, too. I didn't even think about who's feelings and memories it could hurt.

Such an asshole.

No grudges were held for my indiscretion with a tape. So little fear of retribution from my kin, in fact, that Krista was trusted with putting a hole in my body. A second cartilage piercing to match hers. Krista did it with a needle and an orange... my first new piercing since Trev, Matt, and I went and got my nipple pierced in July or August of 2001.

The hole in my nipple is still open, but no ring resides in it. I lost the metallic memory marker in a boy named Sebastian's apartment this summer. I met him in a dimly lit hotel party where a drag queen named Simone held court, and the party goers reveled, tweaked, and made complete asses of themselves, myself included. I swirled, passed out, and was taken care of by Sebastian at that gathering, one of the few times I needed Mike-sitting at a party. He kept the drag queen away from me, I reckon claiming me as his own in some sort of sick drug addict ritualistic way. I hadn't slept in 5 days.

We had hit it off earlier, I was taken by the glint his eyes displayed, though they were nearly covered by an angora kangol hat. He was the type of boy you weren't sure whether to hire to paint your fence or invite inside to paint the town, the kind who might use his knife for your defense or for worse. It didn't hardly much matter which you desired more, there was no short end to his stick. There's little question to those that know me why I was drawn in; He was a cup game, quick figure eights and tempestuous transition, daring your eyes to blink.

No, I should have known. I liked that he wrapped my mind up in wit, tied it up, and held it dear. I liked how the shadows ended before his lips began, leaving me with the anticipation of each well formed word. I wanted to listen, I wanted to taste.

He wanted me, too. My time in Sebastian's company in any capacity was around two months, and he led me to the social pools in which I nearly drowned. He himself proved to a horrible floatation device, one who preferred to sit at the bottom rather than rise to the top. He was a drug addict, with a far more ferocious addiction than my own.

He was also missing pieces of his soul that I could never repair; parents, best friends, a traitorous nature, and tina.

He left my life easily enough, an amputation necessary and grotesque for all the ways a mind can quiver and become weak for a drug that was flesh and blood.

I saw him online today. His bio said "4 Rnt."

There were rumors that got back to me almost as soon as I started speaking about him to others. All signs pointed to the fact that Sebastian had escorted previously. I checked my facts. They all pointed to prostitution, but I wanted to believe him when he told me they were untrue.

I can't make light of my own allowed delusions... I did, actually, believe him. I let myself be lied to. I let him meet my mother. I let him sleep in my bed, and told him he had a place to go if he needed to clean up. I wanted to believe I could help wash away the filth of addiction as easily as one wipes oil from the bridge of their nose. I wanted to believe that I wasn't feeling deep emotions for a liar and a whore.

I couldn't care less if he sold his body for money. I wish he hadn't sold his integrity. I wish he hadn't sold me out. I wish he hadn't lied to me.

I wish that holes in my body weren't reminders of holes in my soul. Holes in my own integrity. Holes in my own honesty.

I might have a thousand wishes, but I'll be damned if I'll rub a thousand lamps. Let him do that.

I can't tape over last year any more than I can erase myself. Let the sty in my third eye see skewed versions of myself, they can't be any worse than lies I believed or the lies I told myself and then repeated to others. Fuck Sebastian. I hope everytime he blows someone, he remembers blowing out the candles in my room before climbing to bed, remembers what my face looked like as I went down on Justin, and I hope he feels in his sleep, when he does sleep, what my lips felt like on his.

I hope he waits in anticipation for the taste of me. Let my only vengeance be my very lack of it.

Hit play.
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February 2004
Carefree
You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?



I just woke up from a lovely late-day nap. I couldn't help myself, I was so zonked.

Yesterday was such a busy day that I'm honestly not surprised that I needed to just recharge my batteries... I got up, went to school, got my blood drawn, went to class, and then had a date.

I'm not sure what to say about any of the above in great detail, because its still to early to say on all of 'em 😉

I get the results back from my blood work next monday, the 23rd of February, and I hope to have another date with Dan before that. I had a really nice time-- he's funny and hot.

And a total fatty.

We'll see what develops.
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January 2004
Le sigh.

Well, I'm putting in a retroactive withdrawl for this past semester's fuckups. I certainly have enough proof to show I had outstanding circumstances all semester, so I will prolly get it. The dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, my new subcollege, decided to return to me my schedule that the system ate, and told me to just go to the classes and explained what happens.

The retroactive withdrawl should be a good thing. I went on a blind date last night with a boy named Chris. Chris goes to Hamden Sydney, an all boy's school, and came with fairly high recomendations from one of my high school team mates.

So, I meet him at Friday's, and of course I'm 20 minutes late. And, of course, he's drunk. Not so much there, buddy. The muthafucker deserved a merit badge for his fucking crackscout troop. So, I gave him the cold shoulder and made friends with the table next to us. When he got up to use the restroom, the guy at said table leans over and goes:

"Whadya think?"
"I think he's a douche."
"No kidding. If he hadn't gotten up, I would have said something."

Now the time come for us to do something else, and he wants to take my car. My response is fairly simple: I don't have room. He got the hint. He leaves, and I end up chatting with the guy at the table, Sean. Sean goes by the name Newman, and dates the manager Sabrina. Pam, who has been at friday's even before I came and went, comes over and gabs, keeping us company. Well, then walks in a guy named Dominick. Dom is hot. Hot, Hot. Nice... and funny.

Fuck.

He has a boyfriend.

I couldn't maintain eyecontact with this boy. I didn't want to talk for to long, I almost felt nervous! I really try to be good around people who are taken, but I have a hard time with my Ps and Qs when I'm sober, and a helluva lot harder time when I'm drunk. So what else, knowing I have to be good, would they do except invite me to Merriman's? You know Merriman's-- Fredericksburg's very own gay bar.

Not that I'm sayin' I would have bagged him or anything, lemmie just say, but it was neat to get those butterflies. Either way, Merriman's was incredibly dead, so I bounce on home.

It gets to be about 3am-ish and I'm on the computer, and my friend Dave is a bit upset. His new boyfriend and He broke up earlier in the day, and I felt bad for him. I knew he needed an ear, so I turned around and drove the 45 minutes back into fredericksburg to meet him at Denny's around 4.

Dave and I have a fairly neat history. I met him at in a hot tub, both of us fucked up, naked. We chatted, realized we went to the same school, and clearly, since we were both naked at the same party, had mutual friends. Dave's body really kinda "does" it for me... he's a beautiful person, and I mean that through and through.

Initially, he knew Jimmy, who took Dave in when Dave was younger. We call Jimmy Ma Harper, and he kinda keeps watch over all of us, for what I generally feel is a benevolent reason. Dave has differing views on Jimmy a bit, but he still calls Jimmy "Dad" and Jimmy still calls Dave "Son"-- Lets just say sociopaths exist everywhere. And the drugs can bring out sociopaths, which is scary. Dave is mistrustful of Jimmy, and tina users.

That said, I recently kicked my own tina habit. The fact that I know Jimmy and the fact that I used made Dave really nervous about me, and those nerves turned into an accusation right before New Year's. We had managed to spend a lot of really good time getting to know each other on an intimate basis at thi point, but on the last day we were together, he got a lil weird. I kinda just decided to chalk it up to the "whatever" category, since I know full well that I have a boy who's personality and looks I really like, and he also happens to really like me. His name is Jarret, and he couldn't be more wonderful. Not a lick better!

Oh, but the flaw.

Its a wonder to me how much I dig a guy who legitmatly understands me. I reckon there are very few sensitive guys out there, and Jarret is definatly one of them. He likes me to explain my emotions and my darkness, and he listens intently. But, I also realize that he doesn't grasp a lot of it the minute I throw it out; not because he's slow, just because we've had different life experiences. I'm just weird.

Jarret and I have a lot of roads left to walk down, and who knows, he may be a boy I see in a monogamous, serious capacity. I think about him in that role a lot, and I know he does for me as well... heck, we've been on-off since august.

But, we were discussing Dave. Weird as I may be, I was happy for Dave when he said he was in a relationship with a new boy, even though it hadn't been that long since we last went out. I can understand it though, since Jarret and I could up an item, and I'd have been the one that seemed to suddenly be "committed."

I had assumed the boy would have to be better than me, or more ready to commit, or something, so I figured he clearly was a good guy. I was excited and happy for Dave. Pissy, true, but also very happy.

They lasted 16 days, and the dude was an Alcholic. The capital "A" is for asshole. I discovered all of this at Denny's chatting, and I think it went until around 6am. I come back from the bathroom, and Dave's sorta making a face, so I ask what he's thinkin'. He was tryin' to figure out weither to ask me home or not, and how to do so without there being some sort of subtext. He was trying to be nice, and you know what? Krista and I are gonna have to stop calling him by the nickname "Crazy."

Krista:"Talk to Crazy lately?"
Me:"Nah, Crazy's been writing too much poetry about the drugs I did to talk on the phone."

We're not nice. But, I guess the good behavior from earlier that day kicked in again, cause we cuddled and stuff, and didn't hook up or anything. We just snuggled, and it was very nice. He's a good snuggler.

So, ya, we managed to watch moviesall today and it was the perfect way to spend the day-- I feigned that i ran errands to those that would have cared, but really, it was a movie day. Dave and I stayed on the couch, under the covers, and practically in our pajamas for "Roger & Me", "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", and "The Lost Boys." I barely watch one movie every three months, so I'm setting a high benchmark early on in 2003.

Lots of other personal though, but I'm tired. I'll remember to talk about the fact that I've decided not to move back to DC for a good long while. But, sleep now.
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Grumble, Grumble.

I spent the morning lying in bed until about 2. I also stayed up reading until about 5, so I feel absolutely fan-fucking-tastic about my decision. Normally when I'm in low spirits, I like to stay in bed alllllllll day long, occasionally getting up for sorbet or dulce de leche.

Today, I was in high spirits everytime I woke up, yet I still curled my toes around the slightly indian-themed comforter and tucked myself back in for a nap. Every single time. And it happened like 4 times.

But, anyway, I got up at 2 and spent the afternoon helping my dad out at his shop, runnning cars back and forth from fredericksburg for 'em. No big deal at all, really.

Nothing, in fact, to grumble at. Ohhh, but there's more. I got an academic warning my freshman year that carried over to the first semester of my sophmore year. When you are a freshman and get a warning, it is also a probation, simply 'cause of how its set up. Well, now it looks like I've royalled screwed myself, because I got a warning this semester. That combo warning-probation has managed to land me my first Academic Suspension. Argh!

There seems to be an override I can request. But, that means I really, really have to get on the ball! I guess things could be worse, cause they're not really so bad.

I did find the override info, and I called ATT today and found out where the hell the phone they were supposed to be sending me was. Its in transit. In (you may laugh now) Chantilly. I'm gonna just let them deliver it to the Dirty House, and I'll go back and get it later. I think thats the best thing for me, cause I truly don't feel like dealing with the drive to Chantilly again, or anything involved in that area. It seems I'm going to be making a cameo at Mason to hand in my override... now I just have to figure out what the fuck I do to turn it in. If there is anything to turn in at all.... Yes Virginia, I can be a fuck up.

I think its gonna have to be hard 'cause I need to *want* it after I've gotten it, ya know? But, in an effort to clear my head, I've been taking online quizzes.

Quick! Learn!

Evil Quiz: You're totally evil. When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror you say, 'I'm gonna be evil today!' You know you're evil and you love it.

Back away slowly kiddies, this one's Deeply Disturbed
What Type of Lunatic are You?


Stoner Bear
Raver Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?


burning
Your soul is bound to the Burning Rose: The Rapture.

"I go where my heart beckons me, and I go
with my head high. But sometimes, I get a need until I bleed so my heart swims above my head.

The Burning Rose is associated with passion, intensity, and desire. It is governed by the god Eros and its sign is The Flame, or Physical Love.

As a Burning Rose, you can get lost in the moment if you let yourself. You are a very physical person, be it in relationships, work, or play. You may be driven by your hormones sometimes, but you know it's because you have to follow your instinct.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?



Lots of quizzes! I needed a little self involved time, and I feel much better! Oh, for the record, I also would have rolled a "Gay Bear" and a "Tramp Bear" on the one quiz, should I have changed just one answer in the last question. Same with the first question. There were two answers I *really* liked in both, and changing them at all gave me 4 distinctly different bears.

Though, really, I suppose Tramp Bear and Gay Bear go hand in hand. As do Stoner Bear and Raver Bear. Whatever.
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