Self Practice and Grief

When I got to Goa, I felt anonymous again.

In Mysore, I felt like everyone had heard. I was the ashtangi who got hate crime’d in the face after his house burned down. I wanted to be the tall pretty one. Or the smart one. But for now, I was very much the tragic one.

Luckily, Rolf wasn’t watching the news. I was just one more 6’3 drop back for him to do. And he was happy to oblige– quietly sharing lite bits here and there in my ear about his work. But not so happy with it that I didn’t get assigned sone extra. Great.

After 27 years of shrinking myself for others, I got to just be the big one. You gotta gang up to take the big one down, and that’s what was happening in real life. Literal gangs at home on the street, and little yogi gangs jockeying for status in Mysore.

When you question your ability to be loved by the universe, it is very helpful to see real love pouring out of someone else’s eyes.

Rolf didn’t need to know that I was stitched together with laughy taffy and titanium. Marci went to work on putting my physical injuries to bed and Rolf my heart. Neither needed a narrative. it is good, because I was so sick of my own story I couldn’t take it anymore.

As I’ve been working on my book– it’s almost done — the only part that I haven’t gotten into is my introduction into Systems Thinking– through a gang beatdown.

I have known catastrophe again and again and gotten up to go again and again. This might sound like hubris, but check my receipts.

Rolf was able to help me see the interconnected nature of things in a way that makes the big picture possible. He also helped me understand how unspecial I was — while also feeling very very, very special. As Rolf would say, you do as you feel, and every day, the Yoga grows inside of you like a little plant.

In many ways, the development of my practice and the autonomy — the Santosh— the self sufficiency — means that there is less labor for my teacher to take on. Now i understand that my desire to be better in my physical practice was also so that Rolf had to do less for me.

Since he’s dead now, I will have to put my thigh down on the ground myself.