I'm leaving for paradise in about four minutes.

Long flight, but long stay.

See ya'll in a week.

Sorry, princess, this is my house.

When I came home from vacation there were beer bottles on my coffee table, my pasta had been eaten, cocktails had been made and not cleaned up... my house was worst than how I left it (which is sayin' something, bitches).

Lee broke in through the fire escape and stayed the night one night. He cleaned up after himself and refilled ice trays. Exactly as I would have expected him to. The neighbor girls came over and watched TV another night. They drank a little, but came back to clean the next day. Exactly as I would expect them to.

When they arrived, windex and paper towels in hand, the door quickly locked-- deadbolt and doorframe. When they knocked, no one answered. Yet, obviously, someone had just run to the door to lock it! The neighbors yelled in "Lauren, it's just us! We're here to clean up our mess!"

After some presistance on my neighbors part, some asian bitch with short hair answered my door in a towel and wouldn't let them in. Wouldn't even open the door at first. She told them to go away, that she'd clean up. That she was a friend of Kelley's.

Kelley does not even have a key to my apartment.

Lauren left her keys with Kelley. Who then gave them to Amanda for god knows what reason. Amanda, the asian bitch with short hair, let herself into my apartment. Who knows for what reason or for how long. Fucking whore. I'm livid. Not only did she not clean when she left, she lied to Kelley (or I hope she lied, and that its not kelley doing the lying) about the way shit went down, and I feel kinda violated.

Clearly the amount of people in and out of my apartment, sans bitch, lends you to the notion that I'm really not super troubled by guests. I'm not. If you are welcome in my home and I gave you a key, and I happen to be in Hawaii, please let yourself in. If you don't have a key, you call and ask if you can come over while I'm gone, I'll put you in contact with someone who can let you in for whatever reason. Or I can say no. This stupid fucking slut of a human doesn't even know my last name and certainly doesn't even have my cell phone number to give me the courtesy of telling her hell the fuck no.

Hell, the person she said she was a friend of doesn't even have a key to my apartment! If you're breaking into my home and lying to my friends, please AT LEAST know who's key your using to break in! Being 4 degrees of separation away from me does not allow you into my personal spaces. Thanks.

She also didn't leave a note. You always leave a note!

Trite sonofabitch.

Jesus, who let me go on about the past five years? Really? I sounded like some sort of Tracey Gold meets Ghost World Afterschool Special. "Quick! Hide the exacto-- he's a cutter!"

Jeeze. Work somehow managed to mumbo-mojo me back into good spirits-- one part tobacco and one part good company. Libations later signed and sealed my happiness, as I ended up at the Hunt after work with Chris, Smokey, and JD. Anita was working for some reason, and Lauren wasn't, so things were a little old school. Totally weird to be there with Anita slinging cocktails-- she hasn't done that in forever. Lauren was actually who took Anita's place last year as Miss Anita became a MF9to5er. It was like summer of last year all over again.

Fall down drunkardness ensued, so thats why I'm referencing yesteryear. Don't worry, I'm not gonna get all Afterschooly again. Anita and I stayed at the Hunt for a bit after hours, and that put me in a position to meet a tall cute AU boy, who just happens to be named Mike.

Word up, hey. It's been well over a year since I had a sleep over at an AU dorm, and the idea of a twin bed sounds like it would be almost as fun as coalwalking, but for a hot boy you do whatcha gotta do. If we end up seeing more of this boy, we're gonna have to call him M2.

Anyway, for good faith in my noncuttery, here are some adorable ass baby penguins being screened through security before their flight.